Paramount Announces New Peter Piper Movie

In the latest of a sudden slew of movies based on classic tongue-twisters, Paramount announced the production of a "Peter Piper", based on the playground tongue twister "Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers."

"Oh no, this isn't your grandfather's Peter Piper. In our edgy new adaptation, Peter Piper is a starry eyed young gangster (played by Christopher Lee) out to take the Miami crime scene by storm through street racing and smuggling of pickled peppers, America's favorite snack. There will be gunfights. There will be grade-A playmates in bikinis," says director Michael Bay.

"Really, the lack of sex in the Peter Piper tongue twister really disturbed me," continued Bay. "I asked my friends, 'where's the babes? Where's the car chases?' Fuck that shit. Back when I was in middle school I was writing edgy new updates to Peter Piper, including this one where Peter Piper does somebody's decapitated head. I'm really glad I can finally show my vision of the tongue twister."

Bay talked as we previewed one of the scenes. "This is my favorite lines in the movie," whispered Bay to us, bouncing up and down on his seat with a mouth full of popcorn. In the scene, Christopher Lee points a shotgun at Keanu Reeve's face. In the background, Keanu Reeve's car smolders after a frantic car chase. Christopher Lee quips, "If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many pickled peppers did Peter Piper KILL?!?" and finishes Keanu Reeves off.

"Yeah, take that Keanu, you fucking Jap!" screams Bay, spitting popcorn and froth out his mouth as he leaps on his seat.

I asked Bay who Keanu was supposed to acting as.

"Acting?" Bay wondered, forehead strained with thought.

We caught up to Christopher Lee, who is playing as Peter Piper, on why he chose to play Peter Piper in Bay's adaptation. "Playing a youthful, exuberant gangster puts me to the limit of my abilities. Really, it was a challenge."

After inquiring about how he could play such a youthful character, Lee responded, "Well, it's pretty miraculous what Hollywood makeup can do nowadays. I'm certainly not above makeup. There was a time when that was the only way to get close to the German officers..." Christopher Lee looks off into the distance. "But I don't talk about that."

Christopher Lee looking youthful as Peter Piper.

Michael Bay was asked what was coming next. "Next, I'm adapting 'she sells sea shells by the sea shore' into a romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Christopher Lee. Sandra Bullock plays Sheila, plucky klutzy saleswoman who runs a quirky sea shell shop with a host of amusing employees. When developer Christopher Lee tries to turn the beach into a major development, Sandra Bullock confronts him and opens his heart. He was looking for riches but what he found was... love."


Sir Aloysius Q. Fitzwillington IV said...

Ahahahaha....I think I peed a little.

Mr. Jack Happy said...

Oh, dear Lord, I never knew Christopher Lee was such comedy gold.

Rejoice in his Splendor.

Red X said...

Haha, I loved it. I'd watch that movie.