I Found A Funny Thing In My Inbox

Alright, so, you know how I mentioned the shit I'd been up to over the past year? And the part about the lawsuit, right? Well, I got a n email this week. Apparently, some crappy little, I dunno, I guess like a local news rag or something, picked up my story, right, and wants to run a piece on it, and they sent me a waiver to sign and whatever and a preview of the story.

I figured, what the hell, let people read it. Get some 'a the scuzzy little details about the whole sordid affair. And then I figured, well hell, if it's good enough for these assholes 'round here, that I don't even know, then it's good enough for all you out there, who I also don't friggin' know.

Bizarre Agenda of Local Survivalist-Cult Figure Revealed

Lawsuit, Self-Published Magazine Paint Disturbing Picture

By Franklin Wolfram, Staff Reporter

We've all noticed the blight of foreclosed properties in our troubled community, and we've also noticed the swelling number of homeless thriving on those abandoned lands. Being upstanding members of the community, we've had no real idea what was going on in those darkened lots. But a recent lawsuit has provided an unnerving insight into the madness going on in our very backyards.

In our own sleepy neighborhoods, there has been a clandestine, secretive group, stalking through the shadows, sifting through our trash, and forming war-bands. This group had no names, no central leader, no single base of operations. Even now, the police can't say for certain that they've got this bizarre fringe group rooted out. There could still be splinter cells lurking about. The police have taken to referring to this group as the “Followers of the Apocalypse.”

One local man, however, has taken credit for founding this organization. An eccentric man who has gone to some lengths to conceal his true identity, paperwork indicates that his legal name is Johnny Despair, though there is no verification of when this name change was enacted, or where. His reign over the Follower of the Apocalypse was brought to an end a few months ago. Not in a glorious police raid, or by rebellious factions within his own twisted commune, but by an anti-discrimination lawsuit. Shaun Kreuz, one of the men who filed the lawsuit, described his first meeting with Mr. Despair:

“Well, you see, me and a few of the other guys, we'd heard about it, and it seemed like, I guess, fun. But when we get there, he's just sitting there, you know, on this stack of DVD cases, smoking, and giving us this evil eye. And we told him we wanted to join. Then he started cursing, a lot, and asked what was wrong with us. And, so I said, “Well, I'm sure, good sir, that you couldn't possibly be referring to our religious convictions. As we all know, Hubology is a respected religion, and I won't tolerate any sort of statements against it.” And then, he started swearing more, and talking about killing us, and doing awful things to our bodies, and I think he may have peed himself. Well, we know better than to hang around where we're not wanted. We also no better than to let such a lucrative lawsuit simply pass by. I mean, seriously. He didn't have a leg to stand on. He was screwed. Big time.”

Mr. Despair's “legal team” filed a number of objections and counters to these claims. They attempted to claim temporary insanity and have their client declared unfit to stand trial. I have managed to obtain some of the documents associated with this plea, and to further gain insight into the mind of this sinister force, I would like to print some of them here.

Editor's note: Not all of the evaluation is presented. Some is basic information, such as the doctor making the interviewee aware that the interview will inform his decision if the interviewee is fit to stand trial. Some is not available to us, do to legal concerns. It is still being printed, however, due to our believe that there is enough we can disclose here to give the public a better understanding of the case in general. Both parties have endorsed the running of this excerpt, though the evaluating doctor has declined to have his name revealed.

Editor's note: from here, the rest of the interview is unavailable. The entirety of the evaluating doctor's notes on the interview are available, however, and presented here.

But there is more to the story of this madman, of this self-styled revolutionist and his plans for his deranged fellowship. Further research has dredged up a series of underground " 'zines " published by the infamous Mr. Despair. They are shoddily-crafted offerings which would be truly terrifying if not so pathetic. Preachy, meandering, paranoid rants and musings on no subjects in particular, signifying nothing, he nonetheless managed to get others to contribute to these incendiary leaflets. One issue, in particular, carries a sinister, apocalyptic tone, as Mr. Despair rambles on about why it is he's collected this terrible tome:

Clearly, it is quite disturbing to think that this fiend, this manipulator, this unrepentant reprobate is still lurking, still scheming, somewhere in our very own quiet community.Police say that there's nothing to worry about, but of course, they have all the guns. Dear readers, remain vigilant. There is a madmen running loose in our very own backyards!

And his name is Johnny Despair, Esq.


Mr. Jack Happy said...

You have done well, my Son. On behalf of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ Almighty, may I say, "Bravo!" He whose blood shall cleanse the Earth applauds your efforts.

It is in the coming days that we must unite our forces, to overcome the terrible Culture War that is overtaking America like a wildfire. All ye shall know the Despair of ourn amoral depravity and sinful lifestyles...

Hallelujah! And there shall be blood. Those foul Hubolists shall know their Maker's Wrath.

Red X said...

I am very impressed by the sheer audaciousness and tenacity with which you submitted your loquacious, passionate testament you have bestowed on the world.

I particularly liked the doctor.