Life Changing Conversations Vol. I

Dr. Overwrought fell off Thursday two weeks ago and landed on Monday, today. This is one of the tales he has brought.

“Hi, welcome to McDonald's, what will you be having today?”

“Oh, I'm not here to order, I'm just here for the atmosphere.”

“The... uh... what?

“Well, I was walking down main street clothed with nothing except for my thoughts, and it occurred to me what was missing from my life was a sense of authenticity. Here I was, a man, on the cusp of adulthood, in so many ways innocent and in so many ways guilty. It is a mysterious dichotomy, isn't it? Mankind, angel and beast. Fearless and fearful. Creation and destruction. Anyways, with so great a burden of regret, I beg for reprieve... a little leave to just think, penniless and unsheltered that I am.”

“There's an employment agency, sir, down the street. Wouldn't work help you with your problems?”

“No, shame on me, for I have lost my trust.”

“There's a church, sir, down the street. Wouldn't spirituality help you with your problems?”

“No, shame on me, for I have lost my faith.”

“There's a homeless shelter, sir, down the street. Wouldn't a second chance help you with your problems?”

“No, shame on me, they have no heating.”

“Then please sir, clad yourself in our garments and warm yourself by our hearth! You are welcome here at McDonald's.”

“Had you asked me a week ago, sir, then I would have out of pride rejected your charity. But desperation is death's mistress, and so I'll accept your comfort.”

“I would be honored. We are simple, good folk here.”

“You seem to have made this place your home. Has it been in your family long?

“Oh yes sir. This place has passed down from my father from his father and from his father since last September.”

“Ah, that's a beautiful story. That's why I came in off the street, because this place just radiated warmth....”

“Unfortunately, this place is closing. We are losing the business.”

“No... that's impossible.... how can that happen?”

“It all started when a Trader Joes opened up across the street, and since then... well, since then, we've been offering fruit salads and hummus, but no even tries them. They all ask if we've got real tahini, and I don't know what that is. One man did try some, but he hated it so much he threw his pink shirt at me!”

“That's terrible!”

“What am I saying? This place is worthless. I'll hang up the clown wig for good.”

“Don't say that, look at what you've done!”

“What have I done, sir, what have I done? Everything in my life is McDonald's, McDonald's, and now I'm tortured because I know now I'll lose everything! You're lucky! You never had it all! It was in my grasp and now I've squandered my life!”

“Look out there! Look at all the people that have copied you and your ideas! Monolithic capital and marketing was brilliant, and now, those who you've inspired now rule the world. It's not that you were not ready for the world... the world wasn't ready for you! I mean... are you crying?”

“Oh... yes, I'm sorry... no one has ever thought this place authentic. I always knew what this place meant to in my heart... there's where the cousins put their hand prints into the mortar, and there's where we buried Uncle Carlos. I just want everyone else to see my passion. But no one ever says what authentic manufactured cuisine we have... everyone just complains about the estrogen we put into our drinks.”

“Ssh, don't cry. Everything will be fine.”

“I... I have a request...”

“What it is it?”

“I'm... I'm too ashamed to say it.”

“Just tell me.”

“No, no, it's too embarrassing.”

“Whisper it into my ear.”

“Ok.... it's just a little thing... ooooh... I can't say, but I have to.... could you... could you butt-fuck me?”